Finally let go...

I’ve gained empowerment by letting go…

This week, rather one day, I grew up. Not just grow but I grew up and outwards. My height to see a picture beyond the short term path. I was able to look beyond the foreground and be excited by prosperous future choices. As someone who would grown and grumble when someone asked ‘what are your plans after uni’, to know start activity planning it. It makes me feel that I am doing something right if I am excited about my future journey. I grew outwards by building my head health from the dynamics around me. Mental changes are the ones that make me feel bigger (stronger, stable, grounded) on the inside. 

A love limbo hurts the soul. Even when we try to dismiss the feeling, I’ve found that suppressing that emotion not only causes that womb to stay vulnerable, but it prolongs the long awaited realisation that you know deep down the truth of it all. I finally filled that limbo love cut with a healing cream of self love, inner strength and most importantly I didn’t hurt myself by applying it. Love is hard. Loving someone that cant be with you, but you hold out for maybe something in the future is damning. The damage may not even be noticeable until a point to where you think; ‘this is hurting me’. I was honest with my limbo feelings (after months and months of not addressing it properly), and although I am very much the optimist and wish I could live in the world where the sunshine’s down boldly, I knew that the right thing for me would be to let go of a lost love that wouldn’t be what I wanted. Sometimes to ask yourself ‘If its not exactly what I want, is it even worth having it?’. The answer is differently for everyone (if the question is applied to cake; the answer is always yes!) but this time, I needed to follow the long term happiness. Which wasn’t to carry on living in a fantasy world. Fantasy is wonderful, until you realised the world doesn’t always look that way in reality. 

Limbo love, don’t remain here for too long – otherwise you start to blur the lines between reality and imaginary.

Loneliness is scary. No other point to be said on that. It kills. It starves the soul of connections and happiness that is so needed by humans. I am the first to say, as a introvert, even I get lonely. Even I have to remember that having ‘alone time’ is different to ‘being lonely’. Alone time is essential  to recharge my social batteries. Yet I have embraced my ability to be independent – a positive for the ‘occasional’ lone moments I need. Which has taken me to the bold decision of booking my first solo travel trip. AND I AM BEYOND EXCITED. After travelling Australia with my cousin for almost 2 months, it proved to myself that travelling is something I can do with and without someone. And I can still enjoy it. Budapest for my 21stbirthday – solo style!! I’ve let go the idea that I ‘can’t’ be independent. That ill get bored or lonely or that I’ll struggle. Maybe I will, but the gain in confidence will more than outweigh this fear. 

Learning to like me. So I know I am not perfect. There are even traits I really dislike about myself (why must I get frustrated by slow walkers?!?!). However, again from Australia travel, made me ‘be with myself’ a lot of the time. By doing this, I saw that, actually, I like being Martha. She is kinda cool sometimes. When I decide I want to do something; I do it. I don’t quiver about the decision. I act fast (sometimes its not always the best!! But it works for me!). I welcome the traits that I recognise are personal to me (and maybe most don’t understand). Not only did I learn to like me, I want to be with me a little more often. Not be always interrupted by another body. Being with me, myself and I is energising. Why not embrace it yourself. Don’t fear the worry of being ‘lonely’ when you’re alone. The two are not mutually exclusive.

I've let go of the 'loneliness fear'

I've let go of a limbo love

I've let go of the grumble and worry for a future journey

I've let go of pretending to be embarrassed by my own self. 

Sorry for my hiatus away from my blog. I completely forgot how much I love expressing myself through typing out my feelings. I’m not always very eloquent with my words but I process my thoughts far better when I can see them on a page. 

As always, thank you for being another set of eyes to judge me upon. I LOVE IT.