525,600 minutes and counting - meeting you again.

Meeting you again.

The waves of grief ripple and wobble more than choppy waters of the English channel. The emotions crash against rocks and hit harder every time the emotions reach the surface. These waves of you never feel real, and sometimes these waters feel like images on a computer screen than real salty sea. 

How have you been? You’d say. I often believe every time you ask me this I can’t imagine an answer that doesn’t start with ‘but I miss you and it hurts more than ever’. Yet I know you’d instantly pause my churned headspace to navigate me towards escapism in the hope of life and optimism. The glorious things we see all the time yet turn our heads to face darkness as it feels softer in our minds. 

I turn towards sunshine, I think of you when I close my eyes and let the sun sink in to my pores. The skin reaches each corner of my face, it feel as those your warmth is reaching deep inside my heart and head. I find you in more places than when I felt I lost you. Popping up when you’re needed but also when the desire of your essence would be appreciated too. You’re effortless in thought, maybe sometimes it brings weight to my headspace, never because it’s meant to be. I might purposely add weight within my headspace because I need reason to feel heavy, maybe. Your name is what keeps me smiling out of nowhere, what makes me travel to times of memories that are pigmented with rose and gold. I envy the past Martha who gets to still play with you and hold your hand. She holds you every time. 

So how are you? Are you missing me? What do you miss most? Are you enjoying the time of reflection like I am. What do you think about now? Are you peaceful and happy? Did you leave us feeling like we’d be okay? Not that you can see how we are doing, you left very strong people. Maybe too strong. Maybe this was too early to test that strength? Or maybe this was to see whether we had listened to you all these years. To put in place the lessons you have advocated to us all in small daily life lessons. I take your teachings with rich gold-plated servings of information. I feel as though you passed on things that others are not as fortunate to receive as humans. An abundance of kindness.An abundance of considerations within the human psyche. An abundance of patience for not only others but within ourselves. To not force a position of superiority but rather be softer with connections of others.You are softer than velvet in speech and mind.

So we meet here again. Along the sea of your true happy place. I hear and feel the waves as they bang against my head. They remind me that I am hearing them once more but your head is silent of peace and calm. Its cruel I meet here without you. I hope this can be where I see you again soon. Trying not to get swept up by the bearings of the sea. The sea reminds me of you. Because you were the calming energy of water that people can not only see but hear, feel and touch. I am the land that meets you half way. I got to have real conversations again with you. Speak out loud not just my little timid voice inside. It was real speech. Today was never going to be easy. Today could have just been blanket sadness and that. I know, you’d be okay with. You somehow manage to make me feel fulfilled by the day. I felt lighter. Like seeing a friend I needed a long catch up with. Thank you for allowing me the space to leave my bubble behind and enter the world with you, in the safe place of Portsmouth. It meant I was present with you. Forgetting my own life; I appreciate this time and day with you. 525,600 minutes of time without you. Loving you more x

25th May 2021 - Portsmouth