grounding me from the adventure

On the one hand, how on earth did this happen? 5 months of travel! Proud doesn’t come close to the feeling. I am so far from a ‘traveler’. And yet, I did it, I am doing it. It’s so hard to describe the feeling of freedom with the travel. The personal growth throughout my travels is something I didn’t even envision myself going through. But, on the less pretty side of travel is, I am so fatigued and tired. I became a ‘not so great version’ of myself towards the end. Exhaustion, even from doing something so special like travel, can make anyone internally cave within and start to eat away. It was the daily fatigue of trying to seize the day. From the crack of dawn to the late nights. Meeting new faces, having the same conversations and still feeling a lack of real connections. It just became a film on repeat.

I can tell all I needed was grounding again. I knew there was excitement to still be outside the UK (far from ready to come back) but I couldn’t keep moving for the sake of ‘travel’. Beautiful things just felt wasted on me as I couldn’t enjoy anything. It was a horrible feeling, and I admit, If you haven’t felt travel fatigued it can sound really ungrateful - I know.

Bali held some something special. When I was there for two months back in September, it did feel like a home away from home. The easy life of the island sucks you in very quickly. It did for me. Hence why I came back. So what am I doing?

I think this feeling is quite universal, unless you have always known since you were 5 years old, but I have no idea what I want to do right now? Job, location, life directions? I have ZERO clue what I want to do with life. This feeling is like being in a dark room and hearing everyone scream at you to come to them, but you have no clue where they are and how to walk to them. I have ideas, of course, but it feels like silly little dreams so out of touch of being a reality, merely because I lack the qualifications, the industry, not even having the connections to get me in (although the idea of replying on me to help me get a job gives me the cringe feeling). Dark room seems even bigger now. Scared. I feel scared. Because as much as this is a problem shared by many, the only person who can really get a grip on this is ME (oh the pressure). There is help, lots of potential to do anything - but that sense of endlessness is overwhelming and feels out of touch of realness. Its dreaming about the fantasy of make believe choices when (maybe the negative energy here) but I don’t think that can happen most of the time. Unless you have DRIVE. Ah, I missed this whilst travelling. Not literslly driving, but the inner me pushing myself to work a little harder, put in the grind to get the extra client or work opportunity. In my travels I love my drive completely. And it did feel alien to me. Naturally I am a big driver, self - employed means you force yourself to get into places for work. While I did miss that feeling a little , I totally embraced not having a constant demanding voice of relentless pushing me. Maybe, I need to bring a driving voice back - even at a lower volume. Because without that drive, I am directionless right now.