S O L O

a thought; does SOLO sound more negative because we say ‘SO LOW’? What if we said independent, would that sound better and better connotations? What if we said ‘SO HIGH” Again, would we use that word in the context of the same way as solo and it sound positive? I’m not sure.

I wanted to write very candidly, as ever, but I felt more of a push to be very raw. Maybe share, overshare, splatter out all my thoughts because I honestly feel as though this space is mine without judgement. I went 5 1/2 months (never forget those 14 days!) travelling solo. But before this, I was about 2 months in and I had my *first* break up (I say first because this felt like a more significant break up compared to my sixth form one). Being broken up with thousands of miles away from my support system, close community, distractions of home comforts was awful. Heart breaks hurt no matter who you are, and we can’t escape them (well, unless you’re lucky), but I couldn’t escape this break up, even when I was in the most prettiest and amazing countries I’ve ever seen. This hurt deep.

I have been on solo trips before, I have been a solo traveler and really liked it. So this idea wasn’t alien or foreign. There was something about being with a partner before I left that I felt safe with, when they vanished that’s when I felt even more alone. I didnt have them on the phone anymore, I turned into the real ‘solo traveller’.

My relationship history is short. A young relationship in sixth form which was nice but very young love for us both. And this one, a slow burn of love. Something that took its time to grow, and when it did it blossomed with beautiful colours albeit, it also had some prickly thorns as well (but nothing can be perfect) and I was so happy to see this flower develop from the seed I first saw him as to my flower. Slow love is how I grow with people, it’s something I used to be unsure about within myself, now I nourish my friendships with water and attention over time rather than over kill for the initial meeting. Used to hate the fact I never felt a connection with people, until I realised I preferred to build the blocks up and then the foundation of friendships lasted a lot longer.

When we broke up. Solo, didn’t mean single, it meant strong, capable, no messing around, no relying on others, independent, tenacity. Everything (maybe) it’s hard to feel when your’e with someone. Solo travel took my break up, something that did cause a whole lot of hurt and pain, and made me face the world head on and do it with a sense of fight and grit I couldn’t do if I was at home. I loved being loved, being heard, could share, felt dependent on someone. Those are all lovely feelings too, to which, I would like to feel again. But I never want to compromise on the power of the SOLO feeling. You feel tough. Not aggressive. Not angry (or least I was a little from the break up) but just like, I can do anything! You can’t stop me world. And it didn't. Going from in a very soft loving place with him, to sleeping in a 12 person dorm knowing no one and having to hold my own; that stuff makes you grow.

I don’t feel angry anymore. Sad? Yes. Being solo made it clear for me, I can be by myself again and it’s okay. More than okay. It’s good. Really good sometimes. I don’t wish for a break up, I especially don’t wish for one to do it overseas, but I didn’t know what being SOLO was until I was well and truly that. One my own. Vulnerable, no, powerful.

I never really spoke much about being in love. I think that was during the time of the blog where I was so in wraps with someone else I didn’t feel the need to write, because my escapism to share online vanished as I had someone to share with. I’m glad I found my love to explore my thoughts in words again. It has always meant a lot for me. Being a half of a pair is different. As I said, I haven’t connected with love much in my life. So the relationship and learning the ways to be a girlfriend was exciting and new and I was also finding out what kind of girlfriend am I and how do I still keep being me, but in a shared way. The understanding of a relationship was positive , and I did feel safe, and very much could be me. Of course, a lot of me, and who I am has come from those existences of being solo. I was solo for most of my adult life. It’s funny how hard I found it to be with someone and then once I got comfortable with that intimacy, I was left again, almost like to had to re-work my solo wisdom again. But it came back, and yes the travel made it come back stronger, also it just heighted the more being solo was a good thing too.

Solo can stuck. I can’t deny it has its down days. So did the relationship (and sometimes they were worst). At least I had control over my emotions of solo days, solo meant ‘ wow this is me today, okay, how do I help myself, how do I look after myself today? What does me, just me need today and it doesn’t need to involve anyone else’. I LOVED THAT NARRATIVE! Because I love the selfishness solo can bring but in a healthy genuine attitude.

SOLO, I encourage you, if your’e scared to do things by yourself, always waiting for a partner or friend to do things with you to GIVE UP WAITING. Solo is one of the best feelings. The cliff edge and yet it’s not even that daunting once you’ve dipped your toe into a solo feeling. It becomes almost addictive, because once you see how much you do solo, you’ll wonder why you waited around for others for so long.

I don’t hate him. I think him breaking up with me, I think he knew, that I needed this break up to really feel this feeling of being alone with this adventure. You can’t deny, this would have been a very different trip if he was waiting for me to call or text or even wait till I returned home (which I still am unsure of when that date is). So I do think he did what was best for our situation. Yes it still hurt and no, I wish we still had some kind of future together and no, I won’t wait or hope we do - because I have this solo mentality now.

I don’t need to wait, I just do.