I've been speaking to myself

As ever, the title is vague as the intention of the post isn’t clear to me either. I recently have been driving a lot, and during the drives I’ve had time to speak aloud. I like talking out loud even if there isn’t someone there. I know a lot of people do the same. When vocalising our thoughts it makes them so precious and real. It is a conversation of honesty that I have with my internal to external self- I don’t always believe what I think inside to action it on the outside. It’s funny to me how different the conversations are with my outside self rather than my internal monologue. I find it easier to express the more logical and rational thoughts externally, my mind tends to feel emotionally charged and therefore that’s where I usually play the anxiety mixtape. The stereo of my voice never seems to be able to actually speak the words of worry. If I do, I find it quickly becomes rationalised with understanding and slowness of the situation. I reason a lot more when I say it with a voice.

Lately, my voice has needed to hear some hard truths. I’ve needed to be a firm friend - who is also being kind too. It reminds me, that I do have the answers within that sometimes I just have to be bold to say it. My solo narrative is a treasured person. Maybe when I confide in someone, of course I do have people to be honest and vulnerable with (that is important to have someone around like that). But often I know a conversations needs to be a back and fourth. A pace not set just by myself. I like pauses. I like silence, I like to have a chance for myself to figure out what I already know. Which is why my self chats have been set at a speed where I can fully explore all my ideas and eloquently pursue the thoughts without my social anxiety kicking in and worrying if I am taking too long to talk or I can’t explain myself in a pace where the other people wants to help me out. I do struggle to physically get the words out fast enough but also using the right words that explain my thinking. Which is why I like writing too. My pace and my words.

I really like that time while driving. It feels like my own podcast for my own problems. I would love to share how I feel but it takes the solo chats to really know and ask myself - what do I really think about this? It feels like the least judgemental space I have. Driving, the sensations and changing environment really helps me process the thoughts too. I have always been really good on walks too when self-chatting.