the fastest jump and zero splash

Considering I have a life right now of complete upside-down turns and a pretty crazy comedown from my 7 months of travel I don’t feel overwhelmed at the thought that my home life is going to be another big adventure. I had a conversation with Celine, a German girl back in Uluwatu where we were discussing the real purpose of our 20s. We both agreed that making mistakes, taking risks, not having commitments and certainly doing things with a ‘why not’ attitude. The 20s need to be embraced as much as I romanticise the part of my life with settlement and roots grounded. I don’t crave that now, but I do look forward to that part of life because that personally is more me (a grounded soul or at least I try to be).

I am taking a new approach similar to the conversations with Celine. That conversation, I left feeling safe knowing that I can make mistakes, or make crazy life changes in my 20s and it really won’t mess up my entire pathway. I felt inspired to just go for it, why not? Coming back home, I felt ready. Many people around me didn’t understand this feeling of readiness. But when you do, it’s your mind allowing ease with stress resistance. Stress turns into power and action. I do, however, have an aching heart for leaving Bristol. Unlike when I decided to move out of Bath. I was ready. It felt like a necessary move to help me grow. I felt like a big fish in a small pond. The pond didn’t create a safe home, Bristol felt like the right move for me to progress in self development. And it was. I beam when I think of my time living in that city. It was the safe grounding space to become a great version of me. Meeting a lot of friends, and creating the best nights out, the nature was dreamy and I had still room to grow there before I decided the travel. Small doubts settled in before I travelled about leaving. I visited Bristol just as I landed back in the UK, it was hard. It was distant to me emotionally. I always felt I couldn’t love that place because I knew I wouldn’t be at home there. Breaking up with Bristol. I know it’s only one city in a big country - but Bristol you made me feel like a great version of me.

I hate goodbyes, but for now, that’s what it is.

It’s not to say that even when you feel change is bad, it’s going to be bad. Manchester I do feel like is the right way to continue to strive for what I want in my 20s, growth. Development of not only my surface level things life, new environments, new friends, new jobs, and new nature. But inner me and my mental health I really needed to push more. Push sounds aggressive, but change might need to come with a little. The little anxiety is keeping me fresh. I’ve smiled more and spoken to more strangers in Manchester than I did in Bristol - because I was comfortable. Travel also has massively helped me push myself out of my inner closed-off self. It’s not everything travel, but it was the most aggressive way to really feel out of your comfort zone. Reaping the benefits of that adventure into my life in the UK is a gift I pray continues to shine through.

I think what is surprising me the most is. I’m doing okay. No anxiety attacks, no immediate stressing, no days I’ve spent lying in bed crying, no days of utter chaos. I really am doing everything well. The amazement is astounding because I really knew I wouldn’t be okay when I moved here. Transitions have always been I think my biggest trigger for sending me into meltdown and mental despair.