I n t e r n a l L o n e l i n e s s

The world has asked us to be distant. Far from others. Separated and only brought together by screens and pictures, maybe a voice attached if possible. The social elephant in the room is that we are all dealing with loneliness. Being alone, the external version is something we can all visually understand. To be externally alone when living by yourself. Or feeling alone when in a crowded room, feeling so detached from others surrounded. The external loneliness that you have no one near you. Occasionally external loneliness can be lovely; running solo with your own thoughts never feels lonely to me. I feel compact with fullness in my own company. Being alone can be lovely. A statement that needs to be said louder.

Why is saying you’re lonely embarrassing? The idea that if we are surrounded by people, we assume that someone is more desirable as a social butterfly, more popular, a higher social status, better mental health, better memories/ experiences, more community, well liked and so on. It’s not to say that being with people is an automatic step up from being isolate. Not all of the above is true in that regards.

Internal loneliness is a specific trigger that was assessed in therapy as certain patterns led towards it all happening when I wasn’t content when being by myself. As a introvert I recharge my social energy when alone, yet I, like lots of humans, need and want to be with people. It just takes a lot of myself to do so. As a perk of being introverted; being alone is needed and recommended as part of recovery for my mental health. Internal loneliness, whether we are happy to be alone, its what I have fallen in to, unconsciously. I can’t say the company of myself is who I want to be with. This is why being internally friends with yourself is K E Y for finding internal peace. It’s sitting with yourself and feeling okay with that person; right now, I do not find myself that comfortable to be with. So naturally I feel internally alone because I am not friends with myself. Trying to escape yourself is sadly why I am in therapy, I will then subsequently act in self-destructive ways to feel externally busy, rather than have internal stillness.

To be lonely is quite scary. As though your existence isn’t seen by anyone. Only yourself to heard and valued. I can’t imagine, wait… I know that feeling, its a ghost murderer; unseeing by the victim. Could even be a victims’ companion for a while. Maybe we want to feel alone, but not to be lonely. Lonely isn’t something I would want to dabble in again.

External alone time is sacred, precious even. I treasure alone time. I can feel the difference in which when I chose to be alone, and therefore to be with myself never feels that internally isolating. A lone person, might not be lonely. Lonely is a feeling, a perception of the self, true or not it doesn’t matter. To escape internally loneliness is reminding ones self to have conversations of what is is you fear your own companionship with. You have lost internal connection, broken the bond. Rekindling inner company that you never feel lonely with.

Wow, if only it was as easy as writing the idea down.

Martha’s Mind x