the beautiful act of getting up

I truly didn’t appreciate this act of getting out of bed, until I didn’t.

It was really quite scary, not to sound dramatic but when your brain has just said ‘nope, you aren’t moving from here’, it confirmed my scariest realisation. My headspace can’t be shifted. I had ran out of everything.

I took this daily practice of lifting the covers and being ready to progress the day forward as effortless. Doing things for myself, it has always been used as a standard of normality. So when I didn’t do this, it felt honestly alien. I couldn’t leave my bed, I couldn’t fathom any type of motivation or energy to lift my body up. I was emptiness of myself. My legs felt no itch to move, my breath felt no passion to breathe. Pure nothingness. It was horrible. I felt fatigue of living. Low didn’t feels low enough, I felt that if I was horizontal that I needed to be lower. Not even to lift my head and read. I couldn’t bring my thoughts in my head to speak. Silence was passive. I didn’t even have the energy to fill it with a distraction of my sadness. I stewed in all the feelings I felt, I was drowning within the duvet, lifeless to move an inch. Not even to leave for the toilet, yes really.

The bed was filled by despondency. It felt even more heartbreaking to the juxtaposition when the weather outside was truly uplifting and honouring the beautiful life that felt beyond who I was. I then felt even more of a deflated balloon when I knew even sunshine couldn’t shine brightness for me.

I was like that for 2 days.

Lifting the cover off I instantly felt the rush of cold air that hit the stale body of mine like a rush of endorphins after a run. It stung my skin with clean air again.

The act of getting up became something of real value to me after that. When you don’t do something that you do without thought, and then you don’t. It makes us feel beyond normal, and to me, it was one of the biggest signs of calling for help.

There is no shame to not face the day. I close blinds, put headphones on, turn off my phones in order to block out hurt from the external world. Proudness is held for the days where I have the courage to lift the covers off, rest my feet on the floor and stand up- I will never not glorify those days. Because when I didn’t do that, I couldn’t bare to be within my body or brain.

The beautiful act of getting up. Showing up for yourself; I am present. I have the capabilities to put clean clothes on, brush my teeth, eat food, walk down the street. These acts can be THE tasks of the day. It all started because you had a mentality to say ‘lets get up today’, I promise, those days are the best ones.