to the ones I let slip through.

Right now, I have a lot of drive and focus on my personal recovery. Although I am not yet ready to discuss in detail of what that entails. I can openly say with pride, that working on myself with a true tunnel vision feels quite amazing. Recovery has come in big leaps, setbacks are also part of that process. For every great jump comes with a hop backwards, it doesn’t make the progress counter productive, it just fine tunes the stepping stones for the journey ahead. Which is why I have noticed that I have let some things slip recently.

Mental health ‘retraining’ comes at a price. The indulgence of ourselves and forgetting those friends around us. Trying to juggle friendships and also the work of myself means I have lost people I care about, only due to negligence. It is a symptom of headstrong people who are desperate to keep bettering themselves, I won’t pretend that it is easier to not involve other people in your life and work around the clock on YOU. But everyone gets lonely, and then it hits you… I let some people go and need to rewrite my relationship with them.

My actions of ghosting friends or leaving messages unread is quite a hurtful action, one I regret with hindsight. At first it seemed necessary, the less distractions or complications to involve others meant that recovery or therapy become my sole purpose. It just made it all simple. Something to crave when in a state of strengthening a mind again.

I can now see, maybe because the part of therapy that teaches me about empathy and open communication is a chance to work on my friendships with others. To rekindle and be honest to friends I let slip through my hands because I want to be brave or (more likely) I am scared to actually tell them what is happening. Admittedly, sometimes explaining to a friend your emotional state is hard. Learning how to express to others what it’s like in your head is probably the most connecting part to yourself. They say when you can explain something to others, you then know the knowledge better for yourself. The same is true about explaining your mental health past/ present to loved ones.

When I am in a phase of self -improvement, especially one which is very much a daily practice, I can’t help but become extremely vulnerable. Which is good, yet it makes me so exposed to myself - becoming far more engaged with listening to cues/triggers. Its almost like becoming your twin, completely in sync with your now mind. It makes me close off from others, purely because having two lines of very direct communication (one with myself, one with the outside world of others) is just too much to handle. I haven’t managed to find strength to hold both lines of communication open, both to be present.

It’s not that I don’t trust having friends being engaged in my life, it’s that I don’t have the energy to do both. It’s a selfish thing to say, but I have to respect my head first before I can contend bringing in others. That’s not to say I want to shut people off for the long term, maybe just having some breathing space for me to allow this healing to be in a stronger place means I need to disconnect from a friend or two.

I’m aware this might offend friends, wishing there was a way to believe I can do both. Maybe down the line when I feel my inner strength and I don’t feel so vulnerable then yes, I will allow them in. To see the scars and pain that is now healing day by day. Yet in the true moments of the process, to allow others in may (or at least for me) cause distraction that for right now, can’t afford to have at the time.

To end on a more positive note; I didn’t let them go for me to never get them back again. Try to believe that it wasn’t because a friend wasn’t worthy of my time, it’s just my time with you wouldn’t have been worthy for yourself. I am ready to be a good friend to you now that I have become a friend to myself. We have ripples that grow when we are comfortable with ourself, it makes friendships stronger and nicer people in the wider community. There is no shame in putting yourself first! Also find a small window to keep a friendship afire. It doesn’t have to be grand length chats or catch ups. A simple text can go far, just not to let them go for too long before you have lost them entirely.