my sense of sanity.
It is currently the end of week 4 of lockdown; are we still in a pandemic? Sometimes I still can’t quite believe what current situation we are in? Like, how has the world been bamboozled like this?!? It is still something I am getting used to.
Life has changed, routines has been adapted, mindsets have been flipped yet I never lose my sense of self and what works for me. 21 years and counting; I am sure of somethings that are right for me and how I like to live. Pandemic or not. Yet, I have used this time to create some new practise and structures and I’m finding them incredibly healing. Usually, they have been something I’ve kept telling myself I’ll get round to dong (but never made time!). Although some have been organic in there making; ones I am rather surprised and pleasantly enjoying implementing within this scary time.
Yoga; morning + night.
So I wuldnt’t say I was a dedicated yogi, nor was I complete beginner. I somewhat practised maybe once or twice a week with no real flows or sequences and unsure of what I was doing. Now, with no plans or work to prepare for or commitments to rush around, I have plenty of time to lay the mat down and start to weave and create movement. It’s special. I find that my body has mostly be grateful for this new addiction. I am terrible at listening to niggles and nudges my body screams at me. Just simply terrible. As someone who does more of the training rather than the resting part, my aches and pains have never felt so happy to get some attention for a change. My head has also benefited; I create an energy bubble in the evenings with my yoga. Light candles, dim lighting, intense sticks burning. Watching the smoke drift beyond the flam is magical and brings the inner voice to a loud presence is one I am embracing in my moments of practise. I’ve always liked calm. Calmness of the nights; I am someone what recharges in the evening, rather than become more energised. I become quiet, content and sometimes solemn in thought to help reflect. Reflection is ALWAYS a key feature in everyday for me. But has been made even clearer with my yoga ritual.
Social constructs of time.
Some people live by the clock. Like to know what they are doing hour by hour. In normal life; yes, I am a sucker for knowing the time and keeping to it. It gives me a sense of order and organisation, one that is both in control and out of it (I don’t choose the time; but I can change the speed at which it flies at). Mainly, I had a life that I need to keep on top of, which (as normal life need) requires to be on time for. I haven’t kept so rigid with my time, as in, to know hour by hour what I am doing. Even my sense of being so productive like that can’t face the thought of so much planning. I think most people involved in this pandemic are also struggling with the idea of planning and future productivity. Yet, my sense of the construct of a time/date/day is very much intact. I make a ‘working’ day have a complexly different feel than a weekend. A feel of a day is very important for me; I noticed this when I looked forward to have a routine that was different on the weekends, even in a time where I have no commitments, I still NEED a weekend feel. It just works.
Spending time doing nothing.
I love being productive; i get such a sense of fulfilment from completing a project or even creating a new one. My way of ‘doing nothing’ is probably what a lot of other people do on a regular basis; but usually feel guilty about. Watching TV come to mind? Sometimes I get the shame when doing mindless tastes like that on a normal basis because I don’t feel like I am ‘progressing’ with anything. In actual fact, this pandemic has allowed me to do nothing. Enjoy it. Guilt-free. I like having times in the day where I just don’t progress or feel pressure to be 100% productive. Our minds are allowed to feel free of tasks and obligation and work. Isn’t that just such a relief feeling to say ‘yes, I can do nothing and love it’. That’s kept me grounded.
I eat the same, at the same times, the same size; i shall not have food guilt.
So yes, it is scary as someone with previous and on-going complicated eating relationship, to know that the restriction of movement and life mean that food has become something of concern at the start. I won’t pretend I worried that my diet before lockdown was excessive; but in relation of my lifestyle, was perfect. So now that my previous diet didn’t compliment my current lifestyle; I did worry. Yet, I had to weigh up some pro’s and con’s of what to do about it.
Pro’s
I eat food because I need to eat food in order to be a human that lives. Period.
My food choices need to be ones that make me feel happy. That is both for the instant gratification as well as the hour after.
I need to feel full. Starvation is an ugly feeling and I do not need to starve.
I eat as much as I need. That will change everyday, or it doesn’t have to change everyday.
You need to eat. pandemic or not.
Con’s
so you may gain weight; but that is not a defining moment of you.
food is going to be a daily struggle if you allow it to be a pre-mediated worry and thought that will consume you everyday for lockdown IF YOU TELL YOURSELF THE SAME STORY.
Yes, you ate a lot before to support your busy lifestyle. If you eat like that and continue to eat like that, it probably won’t really matter?!
I like and need to have conversations like that in order to see the whole picture. You have a whole picture of a situation to take into account, don’t just look at a corner; it won’t tell you everything you need to know.
I honestly hope that whenever you read this you remember that this time is a passing one; always moving forward. Time, a pandemic, is always progressing forward. This too shall pass, but in the present moments, you have to trust yourself to live as calmly as you can.
x
