I've tried to rewrite this 100 times...
Everything is up in smoke right now. We don’t even have to mention what I am talking about, because for once, the world is completely connected on the same issue. I’ve been really struggling to write this. I’ve been really struggling to understand how I feel about what it is I’m in. Ive been, Ive been, I am really struggling.
I feel like I’m in a loading bay. But I’m waiting and waiting and can’t seem to actually offload anything. I can’t seem to process what Im actually feeling, yet I know I feel something off.
It took me a while to realise that I wasn’t okay. As I said at the start, I’ve been trying to write this for a number of weeks. But I was really unsure if I was actually struggling, or unhappy or fine, or calm. I just couldn’t even read my own emotions. Thats because, I have zero control in my life. Like everyone; my emotions has no control either. And it’s taken me; 3 weeks to realise that.
I know there are so many things in life we can’t control; weather, other peoples actions, how much food costs. I accept that pretty well and have no qualms about not having total control. Yet, now I feel like a prisoner of my own life right now. As for someone who used to think I could control at least what I did, that now feels like a privilege of a far distant memory. It is making me feel so …. powerless and scared.
I feel rejected right now. Rejected from my secure place in life; university and the city that brought me up into my adult being. I know I’m not the only one. Sadly, Ive taken this ‘social distancing’ thing maybe a little too seriously. I’ve been at a loss of words in how to communicate my feelings to other; therefore, I’ve done what I thought was easiest. I have connected and kept completely isolation to online connections. Merely, to re-construct what is it I want to tell people. Merely, to remember how I am with others. Merely, because I can’t seem to face people who remind me of the happier times. I’m not ready.
I am in a grieving period right now; lucky enough it isn’t a soul. It’s a past self of mine. One, I was no where near ready to leave yet. The third year student, living independently, with a job she adored, in a city that was home, with strangers she knew and they knew her. To the friends she met and helped created her own inspiration of what the world meant for her. God, I loved her. I did, she wasn’t perfect, but she had stories, She had a life that was completely hers and dint have to share with others. Not parents, not a partner, not authority, she was selfishly being herself.
She was coming into her own, the confidence was shook as soon as all her inner control went. Now, I am left with only broken parts of the past shell I wore. But those broken parts are just too brittle to put together right now.
Right now, everyday is just too unpredictable for me to start to build up myself again. I am in waves of ups and downs. I keep reliving the dead memories, the close opportunities that now are barely breathing to revive. It’s easy to swallow mistakes when it was YOU that stopped them. This is a learning process; how to live when you have no choice, no control, no power. At least this is a fully turned up lecture; as th whole world is learning along with me. A lesson we won’t take for granted when going to coffee shops and hugging our friends isn’t a life or death situation.
A final note; something good will come from this x
My notes of how I am feeling;
the rejection of my previous life is cancelled.
I feel as though I shouldn’t really complain because I know how fortunate I am with life, but that doesn’t mean I still don’t have it bad. This isn’t a top trumps game.m
I won’t get back the life I had a month ago, so I have to cherish those memories whilst grieving them.
Feelings are not facts. I feel alone; I am NOT alone. Feelings are valid but they aren’t always a real representation of what is true.
I don’t ever have to ‘adjust’ to this. Because (thank the lord) this isn’t something that is going to stick around. I can resent this as much as I want.
Everyone right now completely understands. This has never felt like a less judgmental society.