no one is having an honest conversation

I did a big cycle ride a month ago with a group. I hadn’t met this group of people before. All strangers. All of them were older, more established in life, and widely different interests to me. Not entirely different, but I knew I was in such a different phase of life compared to them who mostly all had kids and mortgages. I was leading at the front for most of the cycle (not a brag - maybe a small one). The leader, Marcus, was a wonderful easy-going Bristolian (I immediately liked from the beginning!). We had some time to chat. Marcus asked me about what my current life is looking like; I am re-inventing myself. The quarter-life crisis hit me early and I am going back to university to start again at 24. He asked me ‘Is that really the right thing to do’. Despite the fact, I was concentrating so much on the roads for fear of falling. I was very much taken aback.

I didn’t know how to reply, because I didn’t have a confident answer to reply with.

We had to carry on cycling single file for a while as the French countryside roads became narrower. On this cycle trip, I could spend a lot more time uninterrupted thinking with fewer distractions of fiction and more on nature and mindful activities. Marcus and I were leading again, the most scenic route we had come across on the ride. Luscious green grass for miles and beautiful flowers with tall trees made an arch-like welcoming as we were getting closer to our next destination. Marcus continued where we left off. I appreciated he asked me a question that I think was almost too honest for someone I had only just met. He made me question, really what I was seeking in my life right now. I told him about my childhood fantasy dream. Although I joked and said I don’t think that would happen anymore. Maybe I was saving myself the embarrassment of owning such a dream that might never happen. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t want to achieve that. He asked if I was doing the right thing by going back to university. His questioning it, made me really question it myself too. It felt like it was the first person, to be honest with me. I missed chats like that, I used to have them all the time with dad. I think that’s why having Marcus (who is also a dad too) asking as a source of protection and making sure there is a sense of support to challenge your choices in a safe environment. I miss those conversations all too much. I didn’t realise I needed them. Like a parent, they are looking out for you. Having honest chats unlike many other people in our lives would be scared to do so.

Having Marcus that day to question me was really important. It was indeed scary to answer him with uncertainty that I might not be 100% sure I was making the right choice, but I also was confident that my dad would be so proud I am prioritising education and learning a craft I could have some really big talents for.

If people ask you, really question you. I think that’s a very valuable person in your life.