T O X I C T R A I T S O F M I N E
Here are some of my own toxic traits;
I feel the need to hurt someone more than they’ve hurt me in order to feel better about myself.
I became envious of other people’s happiness if I am not in a good place as well.
I start off pretending to be this out-going, all happy, singing and dancing Martha, because I like to make a good first impression, but in all honesty; I portray this front so I get people to like me. This is not the real me. The facade quickly fades after you get to know me.
I don’t think I really know what I believe in (in terms of values) and regurgitate what others have said to me back out so people think I’m cool and open minded but really I’m unsure what I actually think about on those matters.
I priorities myself always. I am selfish. It is not within my nature to think of others, even when it’s not about me; I sometimes think about myself as the one that will be effected by it.
I get embarrassed to do/say nice things.
I’m too much of an organisation swat that it ruins my own fun.
I’m not honest to a lot of people. I will say the ‘right’ things instead of what I actually think, because I’m either 1) too lazy to defend what I actually think. 2) don’t want to deal with the confrontation 3) they won’t like my opinion and I’ll probably be told why I am wrong by facts and stats (which crushes me a little).
I am obsessed with portraying the image I want others to see. Not what is actually me.
Every morning, I look in the mirror side on ALWAYS. stick my belly out and sigh…
I sometimes forget about other peoples mental health.
I sometimes really don’t know what to say when someone is going through a rough time.
I feel awkward in a room around people I know sometimes.
I NEVER tell the person I am cancelling plans on the ‘real’ reason.
I think I lie a lot more than I should. I find lying a lot easier than the truth. Sometimes.
I am critical of others who are critical about others.
I am a hypocrite.
I don’t really have a great deal of ‘self’ yet. So in the mean time, I just mirror those around me in order to not yet try and develop the actual me.
I’m scared to admit that I am not as cool, edgy, open minded, free-spitted as I would like people to think I am. I’m quite the structured, routine lover, same thing day in day out person. But hate admitting that.
I hate how I look. I don’t believe I am pretty. When I am with a group of girls, I have a lump in my throat because I never feel up to their standards and always wonder why they want to be me with.
I always believe that pretty people hang out with pretty people, and if someone in the group wasn’t pretty then they’d be the girl to enhance everyone’s else beauty. I feel like that’s me.
I copy other people’s beauty in the hope to build my own. But it doesn’t always sit well with me.
I still have disordered relationship with food and I judge myself really harshly because it’s my degree and I should ‘know better’ (that’s me telling me that).
I actually don’t really give my ‘all’ to a lot of things; but people assume I work hard, which gives me a false sense of ego that I’m actually a hard worker, when in reality, I do the bare minimum.
I have the sense that I wish things were handed too me in life rather than working on them, because I use the past troubles as a sense of entitlement. My past should entitle me to anything, yet here I am, still wondering why bad things happen to someone that has already had bag things happen; it’s because they happen to everyone and god doesn’t dish out things fairly and I know that. But even still…
I’m not going to lie (for once!) but I feel really good having typed this all out. I am fully aware that these are not pretty to admit. I can’t believe that I really do associate all these with me. In small ways I do try and combat these traits and emotions/feelings because they really aren’t the most helpful parts of me. Most of which I could do without.
Of course, I have many many positive traits that I love. Yet, being vulnerable is sometimes how best we can connect. I want this post (particularly this post) to remind someone that even someone like me who tries to better themselves, gives the impression they have it together- I really am far far far far from perfect. I am a toxic person at times.
I don’t always like it. I don’t always like me. But I am a real person allowed to think those things. I am trying to change them, but also; this is me. I wouldn’t go as far to say I’ll perfect every single one. A human, we are allowed insecurities, things we are ashamed of, traits we wish weren’t but very much are. In many ways, I’m not ashamed that I am like this. Maybe because if I didn’t have flaws I wouldn’t be someone relatable, people still probably wouldn’t like me; no matter how ‘good’ I am. So having all this excess baggage of toxicity isn’t going to hurt me; they do sometimes, but sometimes they provide the only bit of rationale in my life. Is that mad??? I’m not sure. I hope I make sense of that.
So this is the real raw me.