this quiet period.

I have been away from the UK for 6 roughly 6 weeks. Before I left for my trip, I was reaching my social burnt limit. My calendar was busy every single day. My younger self would have been so jealous of my present self for being so busy and having a thriving social life. I am so thankful for the friends that invite me to things; I wouldn’t change that. A few days prior to my flight. I was quite overwhelmed with just knowing that my routines/ structure and even climate would all be so different. Even though that’s what I wanted, I still don’t the change easy.

I had a binge episode. The first one I have had in a while. It had been the longest time EVER in my life without a binge. Sometimes I wish I could swap a binge for another emotional breakdown symptom. Having that low, such a low for me, I needed to leave the UK now. It’s not a runaway. My problems, I know will follow me wherever I go.

Looking back, my binge came from the anxiety of the unknown. the pressure to say the goodbyes to people before I leave, the unknown that would come back, and would people still want to be friends with me? I was a pile of insecurity. My binges are a way of expressing suppressed feelings. Not a healthy expression, but one nevertheless.

Its around 6 weeks since I have time to think about that binge. I rarely remember binges so well. This one cut deeper. My quiet period since being away has really given me space to not have noise or distractions of plans or with friends. Not to get stuck in the cycle of routine and be on auto-pilot - I find that so comfy.

My quiet period has made me journal. I repeat the names of people, why do these names keep coming up? What am I not writing down, that clearly within the lines of sentences are things I want to say? I journal. But not like this. I re-read entries and make notes - what was I really saying, Martha? SAY IT.

I have been comfortably solo most of my adult life. Even at times, preferred it. I often choose this way because I think my nuerospicy brain can’t handle either; the rejection of someone saying no to a plan I invite them to or can’t be bothered to wait for others, and my own impatience gets ahead of me.

In this quiet period, I felt sadness being solo. Maybe, this year, I learn to wait for others; there is joy in having company, something I haven’t experienced much. Usually, the opposite is said for most, I think I took that advice a little too hard. Loneliness can creep in easier when solo for too long on too many adventures. The slower moments alone have been needed, I’m ready to have slow moments shared, halved and remembered.

Music is my best friend, in most situations. In this quiet period, music has accompanied me throughout my time. Maybe the side quest this trip was the new music I have discovered. I have released two mixes since being away. The love for mixing is the best self-discovery I made a few years ago, but the confidence to make this to share is a new joy I am really happy is now coming into fruition.

This quiet period has been that. Undisturbed. Less texts. Less calls. Less Instagram messages. Less screen time. Less conversations. Less people who know my name around me. Less invites.

I’m ready to have MORE of all that again.