Oh, so you hate Christmas?

Living through my headphones the last few weeks since I have come the Australia for the winter/ Christmas period. It’s been nice to listen to hours and hours of music. Although having two small earpieces in for hours at a time often keeps you trapped in your world and thoughts so quickly.

I’m in an odd place of contentment despite the fact this time of year brings me a lot of sadness. I am also so far away from my friends and having a decent conversation feels near impossible with the time difference. So there are moments of aloneness. Having said that as well, I couldn’t be happier with my choices of where I am in life for the time of life right now.

To those close around me, ever since the dark nights came around quicker each day, the umbrella was getting put up more days than not, the one layer became 3 or 4. I haven’t been myself. It was a subtle change in mood, but I felt it deeply in my core and everyday choices, even my tone of voice. I know usually those who are retired with money go away for the winter months… AND NOW I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND WHY!!!

Yes, I am someone who’s mood does get effected by the weather. Yes, being from the UK that isn’t such a great trait to have. But it is just how I am. I do think my autism very much plays a part in that too. You get so used to one kind of season, and then the next week it could be such different weather - HOW CAN I COPE WITH THIS MUCH CHANGE?!?!

Anyway, what I am trying to say is. I saw a lot of the forth coming issues of the winter ahead of me. And as hard as it was to justify it to others around me that, for everyone else, it might not seem like such a big deal to them, but I had to leave the UK this winter. Maybe dramatic to others, but not only is the weather change a really hard one for me. Christmas isn’t as jolly as I’d like it to be.

I think this often surprises a lot of people, I am very much the child in the sweet shop energy 90% of the year. But christmas I am very much the grinch - and that’s okay! I won’t force the love of the season just because everyone else has seem to have found some type of joy they didn’t seek the rest of the year. Christmas is such a dis-jointed feeling for me. Christmas is certainly not like it was when I was a child (I had the BEST christmas’s as a child, forever wishing I could be the 13 year old who was opening up their first phone ever!!). Christmas now is so different as an adult - no one talks about it!!!!

No one talks about the fact, maybe as an adult you have different prioties at christmas time. Maybe I’d rather be with my friends. Maybe I’d rather not see family I don’t see all year but now all of a sudden strangers who I have nothing in common with I have to sit shoulder to shoulder with for an entire afternoon. Maybe as an adult, I am already lucky to own the things I want and I don’t want to feel guilty because I didnt get everyone a present now (maybe I will see something earlier this year and gift you it on a random Tuesday as a ‘just because’ rather than a forced time).

My family also are adults. With some having little humans themselves too. Some of the other adults have also started to not enjoy christmas. Maybe I come from a family who have just decided what gives them joy that doesn’t include anyone else. I respect. Maybe as the little one in my imidate family, it does put me as a loose end. But I have seen that if everyone else is happy doing their own thing at this time of year, I can do my OWN thing too and blooming enjoy it without relying on others to create it for me.

People kept asking me - well why don’t you like christmas? I don’t have to like it! It’s not something you are born with. Its a time of year. In fact, its one day. A DAY. I don’t like many days. But I don’t particually like THIS DAY because, we are chasing the high of how it used to be. Maybe I could like this day again in the future when it is re-written if I had my own family, or my own traditions with friends. But for now, I am creating my own winter joy - BEING IN SUNSHINE.

Yes, I don’t have the ones I love/ care for anyone me. It is temporary. But the feeling of being outside the UK during a period I feel so sad about has been the best and outweighs the cons. I’m sorry if you read my hatred for Christmas as me being miserable, grumpy bags of a negative sucking vaccum. But that’s a reflection of you! Great you have your fun with the festivities. I have my fun during all year round. Not only does this period already feel hard enough, now I have people judging me for not liking it?? Doesn’t seem right.

I guess my last point is, and really only a certain group of people understand this. Although we will all fall into the group eventually. I miss the obvious people who I am meant to see at Christmas time. The grief at christmas can hit a little harder, especially when it wasn’t their time to go. No, my dad wasn’t ‘Mr Christmas’. It wasn’t like we did traditions because of dad. But missing a family member, it reminds you of the gap around the table. I feel the gap all year around, but particularly at a time where you should ‘all come together’, I physically see the gap. The empty chair and table place mat. No name card saying Dad anymore. Yes, it’s been years. But no, it can still hit hard like it was yesterday, particually when everyone during christmas time talks about family. You have a lucky life if everyone still sits around the dinner table on the 25th.

So maybe next time, if someone you know just goes ‘ I don’t like christmas’, instead of passing your christmas cracker to them and saying ‘pull on this’, just let them be. I honestly think there are bigger issues in the world and if someone doesn’t like the 25th, that’s cool. Good for them, I hope they escape the period by going somewhere SO UN-CHRISTMASSY!! I suggest Asia (they don’t celebrate it there!!)

As ever, thanks for reading x