the night after a rave.

I quite like the fact I live my life in extreme halves. One half is the ultra runner. Wakes up at 5am ready to take on pavements, loving the world to myself. Wouldn’t want to share a conversation with a stranger. My other half is loving the tight corners of a sweaty rave. Locking eyes with strangers and getting back home at 3am. Although the worlds can very much co-exist. I appreciate they can be hard to maintain both. The night after a rave, I woke up suddenly and had this URGE to get out more energy that clearly I didnt expell on the dance floor the previous night.

So I went for a run. The run reminded me why I need both halves in my life. I had both types of joys. Last night was about connection in my community. I kept thinking when the heavy bass was blasting in my ears and why cheeks vibrated and I was shuffling side to side. I couldnt get that type of joy on a run. I looked to the side of me right infront of my favorute DJ, a lady around 40 was jammin, beaming just like me. We were both happy and I found such a real connection and comfort from that. Strangers at a rave can get weird. You can quickly see who are your people. Who speaks the same language as the music. Who wants to be silly. Who without words being used, is on your brainwaves? I find it funny being autistic like raves. Thet kinda go against (in theory) everything I should hate as an autistic person. I think that's why I kinda like them. They are INTENSE. but I think I am discovering I like purposeful intensity. A place that screams BIG and BOLD and very hard tangible feelings. Because I know exactly what I am meant to feel. I think sometimes a supermarket can throw me off as more overwhelming because they are unexpected and unsure how the visit will play out. At a supermarket, there is a task. Get in ready to tick off items and what happens when you go in, and there is more people than expected? You can’t get something on your list? The queue is longer than expected? Stressing about packing and then… uh oh… I LEFT MY BASGS!! And it’s started raining??!!! CHAOS!!

Get me to a rave. It isnt unexpected. Of course those ‘what ifs’, very much only exist in the head of a anxious overthinker. I could (if I wanted to) overthink a rave. But I don’t because there are spaces of calm. There are moments I can quickly escape. Music very much is tangible time of the rave where it grounds me. I also like that MOST people at a rave are extremely kind.

I like raves because its a break. A big break from the world. A world I find exhausting to live in. Exhausting doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy it. My battery just runs out far quicker than most. Raves and booming music gives me escapism. A break of louder noises inside my head. You don’t have to communicate much with anyone around you. I could even go on solo missions and feel completely fine because at a rave, everyone is happy doing their own thing. Barely anyone is looking at you. As they also need the escapism too.

although sometimes the hardest part about the rave, is being back in your silent room.