I ran out again...

I feel this caving in emotion come in thick and heavy. I thought I had ‘grown out’ of this. When I was younger I didn’t like parties, or any big gatherings. Celebrations actually cause a great deal of anxiety and overwhelm. It really is the worse feelings, because you feel so inhuman. A time where everyone is so happy brings so much pain and sadness that I have to run out. Quite literally.

Graduation was one of the worse days for me. The day felt like a slow build up. I thought it was excitable nerves. I was going ahead with everything, carrying such a pain inside but I just thought ‘this is normal right?’. I got to the grand town hall. I was in the queue with my mom and Ian, awaiting to get my gown and hat. I started to feel a sharp stab of anxiety. You know a headache? It was that but excruciating pain of sad. Unbearable that I had to leave. Run out. Literally. It was so hard to be in this room full of proudness from parents and children. The broken human I felt inside hit even harder in that moment.

They always say, there is nothing more lonely than being in a room full of people who feel COMPLETELY different to you. I felt that right in the core. I know, I saw, no one else feel like me.

Running out crying on graduation was probably such a significant day. It made me feel like that younger self and feeling no better, apologies, no sense of growth since then. Which of course, isnt true. But its very hard to see your 22 year old self feel like you did when you were 6, 8, 12 etc.

I find goodbyes confronting. I find celebrations a secret goodbye. I find ‘the last days’ so painful to face through. Today (as I write) was my last teaching day on my masters course. Everyone was gathering cards and booze for our lecturerers, thats when I felt my head take me back to my 6 year old me again. The extreme overwhelming ‘end’ feeling. Knowing today was different. That’s what gets me. I know I sound even more alien. I pray for the ‘normal’ days. Because thats when I know everything is as it’s meant to be. I know how to approach the day. I know the emotions I am going to feel. I know that can make me feel like a robot. But that gives me comfort. I know I wouldn’t want everyday to be exactly the same (groundhog day) but I think parties, celebration, or times you’re saying goodbye really set this trigger within me that needs to flight fast.

Its raw this feeling. broken because if I can’t even celebrate with everyone, I just feel more like the outsider of sad alien over here. There will come a time where I am able to pre-empt this feeling and just avoid situations like this. Which might sound even worse right? I mean, is there a better feeling than knowing yourself and knowing what makes you feel comfortable? Absolutely not. I strive to know myself and be okay with acccpeting that some things make me uncomfortable compared to everyone else.

I’ve never felt more alone on this one. More different in my head.