To celebrate a long three years; University for someone with social anxiety, dyslexia and E.D.

My journey at university was really a eventful one of personal and academic growth. I relayed many personal accounts of my time at uni, most of which I blogged which sometimes caused more hurt than healing. I used this blogging platform as a way to release my pain and hopefully find a community of people that I could emotional connect to. Which yes, I certainly did achieve that desire. Sometimes me being honest online but not always able to voice my pain to those closer caused pain I was unaware of. It made me really change the style of blogging and how I can communicate to my close circle, and how valuable it was to do so more often. Online can be amazing for so many ways to relinquish our inner secrets but nothing quite beats the sense of a friend telling you a narrative that can change our mindsets from disruptive to calm.

I came to university from a very weak position; I had been recovering from a eating disorder (orthorexia). Newly diagnosed for myself and my family to help me recover and we were still unsure of how I can achieve my recovery on my own. The trust I needed to believe I could look after myself after causing myself breakdowns after breakdowns; its something only those that understand will relate with. From that mindset of clean eating and obsessive training; I had a voice that told me that I shouldn’t drink. Which at university, isn’t unheard if, but it starts you off two steps behind everyone else. As a result; making friends and finding my tribe became quite a mission. One that ended up in quite some dark, lonely positions of me in my room crying quietly. Missing home and wanting to come home a lot of the time. Academically, the struggle was real. I had the determination to pursue the science direction of my course picking modules like bio-chemistry and biological sciences (did I mention the last science lesson I had complicated was in year 8?!?). I only felt like a constant uphill battle after every lecture to reproach everything that was spoken about, merely to know the basics! The lectures left me feeling mentally useless. My social circle was non-existant. My ED was forming into a weird spiral of good/ bad days. Life was hard.

You cannot say I didn’t try; throughout my time at university I tried a lot of different societies, went to gig nights, house parties, night outs and even a house speed dating thing (that was weird?!). So I did put myself out there, which I look back and wished I hadn’t of bothered because most of them were terrible and gained nothing from them. But I like thinking at least I tried to create memories or moments with find people.

Things changed slowly but consistently. Friends start forming, which snowballed to more social plans in the diary, and that made me less rigid with my eating (which for me was a positive). Things looked much better, things were better. It found a grounded placed I was happily enjoying. My social anxiety was less as I built up far more confidence. My idea to travel more not only for experiences but for my own self esteem boost was a really big challenge but since has paid me back in a much bigger investment. Travel became a way to become a version of myself I couldn’t unlock in my own everyday environment. I felt the escapism that I needed.

When I came back from travel, the ‘holiday Martha’ could be sustained for a week or so and slowly life hit me where work was piled overwhelmingly high, my social worry became engrossed again and academic work seemed unachievable where I felt unworthy to be at university. The setbacks from my own insecurities with reading and writing were the only constant criticism from every lecturer and academic support tutor throughout my entire degree. It manifested back into a spiral of disordered eating problems where it caused more anxiety to leave the house, the further ripple into my social stresses.

My constant put down with my intellectual capacity was something I probably will always be insecure about. I have found my other strengths in life so will not dwell, but university certainly and continually made me feel unwelcome to believe that my content was good rather than how it was presented. But that is for another rant! I found passions outside of university; I found other friends from work. I found meeting people on tinder part of my healthy way to meet new people. I found lots of new things that gained the Martha we see today.

My ED through university hasn’t been something I discussed with much, partly because I felt like a hypocrite. My degree in Human Nutrtion meant we learnt the reasons and symptoms of those that struggle with eating, yet here I was, in the middle of the lecture thinking ‘thats me’. I have come to realise that because I have/had food problems doesn’t make me a worse nutritionist, it makes me human. I am finding a soft comfortability to admit that being human has made me remember that I can go through hardships and allow problems to happen. I am not immune just because I understand food and how it works both physically and mentally. The stigma of food disorders is one I will invest heavily in within my practice as a nutritionist and as a real human.

I had rocky moments; lows to highs, good to bad news, pain and upset to laughing non stop and midnight chats. I enjoyed what university gave me; this present Martha. It allowed me to grow away from home, find that inner adult combined with a bigger child mentality, develop skills and interests with people that believed in them too. Meet fascinating people that I can grow with. It’s made me notice that social anxiety isn’t what I have, it’s more I’m comfortable to say no to things I don’t want to attend (I know, but that fear to say no is real!!). I do have a lot of sympathy for the old Martha, I think a lot of her sadness came from wanting to know herself but just unsure of how to develop that insight. That’s why university might be the years we resort back and reminisce of regret for some things but we only look back and think ‘so young, I had no clue’ and it really is true. I was very much a slightly put together Martha, now I feel this epees are slowly moulding together.

Today I am celebrating my hard work by reading the words ‘ Miss Martha Norris is now registered with the Association for Nutrition as a Associate Registered Nutritionist’. I have been waiting three long years to read those words, to finally see them makes every monument I cried, last minute train journey home, locked myself away, phone calls home with every part.

For anyone that needs this post, x