working with heavy shoulders

I have done it many a times during my tough days. Actually I say that as if I don’t still go through tough days, believe me, I am not immune and have very hard days to square up to. It’s a tricky one to describe but facing a full day of work whilst in potentially the worst and hardest mindset to accompany you is quite frankly daunting.

A day at work when I feel mentally my heaviest is by far where a lot of strength comes from. One thing people rarely talk about is ‘carrying on’. Carrying on a day of work or school or socialising when you put on the ‘brave face’ and power through. What feels like the heaviest shoulders. Sadness is far from escaping your head and its trying to distract yourself from how you really feel. Maybe you feel if you pretend to feel happier you might be able to do that- sometimes, maybe. Depending on your work, you might feel the welcomed distraction of work really helps you focus on other problems/ tasks. Work might be your saving grace to hear your inner voice less and reality more. You might have a really supportive workplace - that completely understands your mental health and allows you to have an extra day of recharge, meaning you don’t have to face the dread of working. I know I don’t have that luxury all the time. Having a job that is very ‘switched on’ and socially exhausting, my job does not help me in the slightest when my heavy head is taking up all thinking space.

I have many times sat in bed, 15 minutes to go before I have to be at work, yet my legs can’t move and the panic onset creeps in. No way for me to carry on like ‘normal’. I feel so deflated when I know I can’t even try to keep to a routine, not even a little one. It makes me feel I am the ghost version of myself. Letting not only myself down but work, a job I do love, when I am mentally great can’t even pull me out of the heavy head period.

The idea to be out in society, to be professional, to think and try to feel sound in mind, to be comprehensible to others and converse like you’re yourself; when the blackest pit is growing within your deep mind and feel like a fraud of your being. I hate that. I hate that so much. Pretending creates the heavy shoulders of fakery that feels all wrong. I can’t allow the path of sadness pass, I put that wall up and block the passengers through, which I know, is making my mind stronger. It is the heaviest battle I think we accomplish, that’s if we do. I am never sure if I know conquering a day at work with heavy shoulder is better or worse for me.

Ultimately to have separation from work when I am not myself allows me to keep that protective barrier that my job provides - happiness and boundaries. To force work when I cannot perform my job as best as I can means I really do my job to the standards of consistency, something I like to keep proud of. I know humans can have ‘off days’, but heavy shoulders are not a typical off day. I can’t speak. I feel insecure and scared of my presence. I feel unstable and wobbly. Scared. Breathless. Really breathless and mindless too. I love my job when my head is balanced and calm. But work is NOT a healer. Not for me.

My praise goes towards those that put their foot out the door when their head is in bed. They know they are far from mentally healthy and feel ill. They show up in the world that day. They say ‘ I shall be seen today’. Which I give huge admiration for. In times where I want to be small and take up the littlest space as possible, you provide more to others that day than is expected. Wow. Amazing human strength of the greatest form, overcoming your mind in the darkest of spaces.

Heavy shoulders from carrying your mind of black.