a new therapist, is not chapter one again

I did it. I really liked my old therapist (Debs*). I felt in safe hands with her because I guess she had a lot of qualifications behind her, lived in fancy London, charging a LOT of money. Feeling the high investment meant a high return. So I felt like this was the one. The therapist that would make me whole. But she wasn’t. She was good, but nothing like a massive lightbulb switch on. Nothing euphoric, nothing that changed my mindset and stuck. She placed tools within the toolbox of coping mechanisms for myself, but it felt like those tools all started to make the wall I put up crumble. Not sure whether it was the tools or how I made the wall, but something wasn’t working. Something wasn’t keep that wall of my mind stable and strong.

I have been reluctant to find another person. Another ear another sounding board for me. It made me feel I had to start all over again. It made me feel that I failed the first time. It made me feel, I cant be fixed or the problems wont ever become more manageable if Debs can’t do it. I didn’t want to do the history lesson again. I didn’t want to relive all my past pain and have the same reaction to it; I know my history, I know how significant or insignificant it is - maybe you can get a little bored of it when you see so many therapists over the years. It can get tiresome.

I spoke to a friend. I advocate this, but I admit, I don’t always do this. I don’t always feel I have a friend that will really get what I am saying. I didn’t think a friend would get why I was reluctant to see someone new; not because I wasn’t ready for therapy but, because I was tired of it. He got it. He got that actually, therapy is a lot on the shoulders and to invite someone new doesn’t mean that its a failure on the lessons learnt from the previous journey with Debs. This isnt a step back. My friend got that, he made me feel that a new therapist is a great way to learn more about you and develop it even further. A therapy isn’t using the same tools from therapist to therapist - they all have their own unique lessons, why wouldn’t I want more tools to learn more about me? I do! I want to learn more about how I can overcome my anxieties and depressive episodes. I forever want to be in touch with myself, a new person to help me do that is a new chance to reach my goal of feeling as like Martha as I can be in a consistent way. It takes one lesson, one tool …. and you never know quite how amazing it’ll be for you. So maybe someone new will have that perspective for me.

‘you can get better Martha’, my friend said to me. As I felt so deflated when I knew that I had jumped through hoops and hoops with my mental health. It doesn’t end her, just because Debs wasn’t the one that changed me. I am not starting again with therapy because I am with someone new. I don’t have a big open road of emptiness; in fact my road is filled with lots of beautiful green bushes, and pretty flowers, and it stretches far but also clearly. I know the direction already, because Ive done the work already. My learnings from Debs aren’t wasted, they are part of my road. But with my new therapist, I hope they add more to the picture, so its not so scary to travel down.

Starting again doesn’t mean you’re starting from the bottom looking up.

The reason this works is because I am still determined to get better. One ounce of fuel that I am passionate to not feel this way, thats all you need. Take the leap, contact someone knew, google search someone in your area. Take a change on therapy again, even if you feel like you have nothing more the learn. You can never learn enough.

*changed name