breaking up with pain that feels good.

We all know the mind thrives in darkness because the element of this is easier for us to process. Pain and sadness feels comforting, maybe because pain is our own, we really share pain with someone. As an introvert to have pain thats mind feels safe. Sharing my happiness feels outgoing and showy sometimes, as a shy person that can be too much.

I like that when I am low, being by myself is just really rather nice. I know that doesn’t sound great, and sometimes being low doesn’t mean I am hurting, low is just energy tank drained from either being too social or questioning my reasons for purpose. Yes it can get quite dark in my head.

I dont fear the darkness, its the fear that I enjoy it all too much. That I fear I wont step away from this feeling more often. I fear I run too quickly towards my pain because its my ownership of emotions. I own my spells of empty.

Having said that, the sadness isnt always a glamorous place to visit, hence why I do want to break up my relationship with the pain I keep making reoccur. It’s almost a little bit scar, why? When I am sad, it’s almost permission to be alone for a good reason. CRazy? I think people get that. People dont really ask many questions or interrogate in sadness, they leave you be. Which as I said, an introvert and private person surrounded by amazing bold confident characters is just scary.

I see myself slowly breaking up with my pain of the darkness I crawl back to. Not always easy and something I go jump straight back into what I know. I am removing myself from this pain because simply put, my environment is changing. Environment is maybe a key reason I find my darkness like a friend, because I have lacked that a lot over the last year or so. To be around people I love and they love me is only a positive change.

The statement, its okay if we sometimes enjoy our own pain’. I think a therapist once told me that, it might not be what the pain is about, but the opportunity the pain helps bring out. For me, the hurt I needed in moments was just space, a reason to do nothing and feel crappy. Thats okay, although I dont need to mentally beat myself up in order to achieve those things. I can have space without needing to be isolated. I can be lazy without feeling guilty, I can eat crap without overdoing it.

Hopefully this breakup is a long lasting one - or at least, few and far between.