words written in Lisbon

You get used to the feeling like there is a constant empty gap where you used to be. I made sure I can see you standing in the hallway, arms ready to grab me tight. Now the ghostly arms are cold and itchy. I feel closer now when I don’t think about the physical remembrance but the emotions of you. It’s when I travel, We did that together, when I went on my own, the essence of you proudness you’d feel is gripping. - unfinished.

Written by water. I always think of you by the sound of water calming lifting and rising.

Ive realised, as much as an introvert I claim to be. The idea of aloneness is daunting; I frequently find ways to avoid the notion without being aware of how much I try to seek other. My heart is full when I am in the company of a stranger, friend or a connection that lifts me. I can’t help but avoid myself to be by myself. I’m just shy at first. To invite the chat and conversations I need to be with me. Being with me, I love her… well, thats what I tell myself. Maybe I don’t really like my company for too long. I know thats not the worst idea in the world. Or maybe I need better relations. Maybe I haven’t really given myself the time to see if I like her.

Written whilst having a glass of gin and tonic at a bar.

One of the saddest realisations was, a dad and daughter sitting at dinner together, both on their phones. The dad I could see was playing an animal game and I’m guessing the daughter was snap chatting or on TikTok. It made me thing of two things; dad and I never did that. We would never go to dinner and be on our phones. We always had something to talk about. I found him fascinating. He gave me space to talk freely, and gave true advice that wasn’t judgemental (or would always allow me to voice my ideas clearer). My other thought was, I’ll never get to do that again.

Written whilst in Kong vegan restaurant.