d e a f from listening to my feelings

Feelings are no stranger to me. I feel emotions like I feel rain spitting on my face. I find it hard to ignore and they drench every inch of me. I also found I was really expressing those feelings too, either writing them down (hello battered journal of 10 years!) or talking to my mom about them. The fear of having feelings isn’t a thought that really occurred. At least not until I saw actions of mine that were steaming from unresolved feelings. Thats when it hit me.

Even when we think we address feelings and emotions - are we actually shining light on ones that really aren’t the cause of issues? Do we still play hide and seek to feelings we don’t address and they start to become actions instead? That’s the case for me. I could talk about emotions and feeling till the cows come home - yet I’ll be honest, I still keep so much of me hidden.

I’ll say throw away comments to shut down a conversation that I know could lead towards something I am not willing to feel yet. Or quickly distract myself by my phone or lend the conversation towards the refection on the person I am with. It’s very easy (especially for me) to want to ask more questions than answer them. Partly because I know other people find talking about themselves easier than maybe I do, so I would rather the spotlight wasn’t on me. Sadly I have gotten very used to doing that; its my action and ways to avoid feelings that I find extremely uncomfortable, to feel yet, merely because I keep side stepping them. Learning how to even express it or narrate a feeling to others is something I keep saying I am ‘working on’ yet have no conversation to show for it.

I appreciate that some feelings aren’t easy to say aloud. How do you describe a feeling? I try not to use cliques however sometimes nothing else will do. Or is that me being lazy to use someone else’s words or feeling? I’m not sure. I live with emotions as they are slide on to me, yet I rarely find those emotions to be smack in front where I can face them and speak to them with clarity or a clear vision of them.

I can pin point the symptom of that feeling; crying, isolation, anger, rage, frustration… but that isn’t the real reason of what I am feeling; its a symptom. So the question is this. Why? To keep asking why are you feeling like this? Why do you act this way to cope? Why do you ignore your feeling so much.

Deafness is awful, but to become numb to yourself is almost poison to your core. It undermines and makes that internal you rot like an bruised apple. A core and emotional middle is the essence of action, reasoning, communication, emotive choices and so forth.

————

Hello from a slightly more present martha. I haven’t written in a good while. But like this post is about, frankly my mind hasn’t been on my blog. Trying to solve a lot of myself right now. I could also argue that I am busy, but really sometimes even I can’t face myself and writing from the heart. It takes a lot of self to do so, its kind on me to just write when I have the passion and readiness of when I choose to do so.

I wish mental health was an easy topic to not only write about, but also wasn’t such a painful way to feel. Because it really does hit the inside of you like a blister. Undetected and sharp.