Loading life... pending
The year 2021 has started in ways that the world took a big head knock to a wall. We were feeling trapped and buried underneath pillows and blankets of frustration in how our lives where playing out. As we finally start to see doors open within society as lives could return back to feeling like freedom, it meant the sudden rush of everything all at once again. Of course, like most people I have embraced seeing friends again. I have really felt happy again in such a long time. Lockdowns were hard but I didn’t really notice the emptiness until I felt full again. It was a constant sadness and lowness in covid times. We all had plans. Future plans. I certainly know that my plans of travelling are once again on hold. When I have this mindset of just ‘getting away’ I do struggle to find peace for the place I am in right now. Until now.
I feel really calm right now. Life might be playing out in ways I wasn’t ready/ wanted right now but I don’t have the niggle in my head wanting something else or feeling completely paused on the life I was planning. Now I feel fidgety within my own small world. Where my job doesn’t provide the same happiness it once did back in university years. I do live for the rush of being thrown between gym class to gym class and never seeing the day end. It used to give me buzz, not so much now. Which makes me feel, where is my life going? I hear stories from people older than me. Who say one job led them to another and another and then they randomly fell into something that provided them their speak in life. Why is it I feel that won’t happen to me? Probably because my personality doesn’t allow such things to believe in. I like planning. So the idea that when you don’t plan, life happens baffles me entirely.
My life feels like it has been stuck on the mouse button where it’s loading and loading and no movement is made. Buffering process of my life. I just want a forward motion. Which I can certainly put in my power. But the direction of where I want to walk down is still blurry. Because I have no idea where I want roots to grow. To settle here, to move there, to apply for a job here?!?! Piles of questions and I don’t want to make answers because, well, because making plans and sticking to them right now feels like a big ask. A commitment I and running away from. Life has been pending for so long, maybe I forgot what it’s like to feel like I have concert plans, maybe cloud like ideas of soft floaty plants suits me, and i’ve forgotten what it’s like to make things stick for the long term.
Anyone feel the same?