Therapy diaries; prepare to be wrong and learn again.

I have started therapy last week. I was almost thrilled that the session could continue with lockdown restrictions. As medical centres/ practitioners have had mixed messages regarding what can continue and what is not considered essential. Wrongly in lockdown, mental health support was not allowed in person with COVID-19 on-going, this is when mental health should have considered very essential to continue.

Nevertheless, I feel fortunate to start my journey now. Like most people that decide to seek out therapy. We are going for a specific reason of what we want to achieve. To get better, to learn, to change, to become less, to gain, to reduce, to become more… How we feel about our current self isn’t quite what we’d like it be be.

I guess that’s why I’m starting the diaries on this subject. So I am writing from a different perspective that maybe others would seek session for. I want to change behaviour. Changing behaviours is a testing one. It’s a two step approach; why do I do the behaviour, how can we learn to change it or find other ways to cope.

Changing behaviours is instantly a personal attack on the current mindset you have. Of course, you are already there for the sessions because you know the unhealthy mindset you have is disruptive, however it is still not easy when another person also agrees that you’re not healthy minded. It just hits home. So this isn’t a instant turn off of resistance, the first step they always say; admitting you have a problem. Yet they don’t tell you that when a stranger tells you it’s a big issue; the personal attack comes in. You have to remember that you’re doing this for YOURSELF and they are merely agreeing with your own thoughts and your behaviours but from a unbiased position, So you know it’s the truth.

I guess we all like to believe we know best for ourselves, I don’t think therapy should be a sign that you can’t look after yourself, in fact its the complete opposite! Therapy is like taking a bubble bath for your mind. Its really good to have a soak. Let emotions that we wish to let ourselves clean off and prepare the skin to feel new and rejuvenated again. Therapy is part of looking after yourself more than thinking its signifies rock bottom. I know if we are in crisis when we seek help it feels like the world has no clear skies again. Yet a therapist will remind you of the blue sky that will rise again.

We have just created clouds that are fogging up our vision of the horizon.

I know currently, the way I think is wrong. Plain and simple. It is not unkind of me to be so blunt about myself. It’s being real and raw to my mind that who I currently feel like isn’t making me the person I want to be, and frankly I don’t have to live that way. I have planned my escape from this Martha; therapy. It’s a big ask to relearn behaviours that are heavily ingrained in our everyday autopilot brain. Not impossible, changing behaviour is closely needed by a BIG desire to change it. Just prepare for work.

So the first step of therapy I’ll remind myself; prepare to be hurt, because it’ll be that prompt that you don’t like this person you are either. someone else saying it will hurt too. Someone else relating the words you’re scare to admit will be facing the the mirror you’ve been avoiding. We might hate the reflections of ourself now, but only if we brave the image now, we will see the bigger picture later on.

Martha’s mind x