Why I've been told to stop saying sorry.
It sounds quite odd although you may have a few people in life (especially if you’re a serial ‘apologiser’ like me) who tell you ‘stop saying sorry!’.
Sounds familiar? Probably the post for you.
At first I laughed it off and then quickly interject another awkward ‘sorry’, whilst a look of embarrassment is thrown down. I never really thought much of it. Until my therapist told me… Martha, stop saying sorry. It’s really bad for you.
I was puzzled. How is sorry bad for me?
Lets break it down. Why is sorry used in context? The definition of ‘Sorry’ is; feeling sad or distressed through sympathy with someone else's misfortune or feeling regret or penitence - thanks google!
So thats why simply the word ‘sorry’ is used. So why am I being told off for saying it so much. Is it because I upset people more than the average person? Do I make so many wrongs I need to put them right? Am I just a person who is regretful a lot?. To cut a long story short - yes. But it’s actually got nothing to do with anyone else.
Actually, I say sorry not because I am upset or guilty or need forgiveness with someone else. It’s me. I am sorry with me. The word ‘sorry’ allows us to have permission with ourselves and those around, that although we made mistakes, we acknowledge them and can move on (in the hope not to do it again). Saying sorry over and over again till its lost all meaning - It’s a much deeper issue.
So I ask again, why am I being told off for saying sorry so much?
I am subconsciously saying; I’m not good enough. Please accept the faults of me even though I am less than expected. Internally, I have more turmoil about myself that I need others to accept me. I need to present myself by pleading acceptance off others in order to pick myself up. In order to feel accepted. ‘Sorry’ has been an easy way to say, ‘I don’t like myself enough to accept and own who I am’. So I have to excuse it.
I hate that. I hate that, I’ve let an automatic response, something as simple as a apology become a reason for me being less than me. Sorry isn’t a good word to use. Due to the meaning of the word, even just saying it has a negative aura when just voicing it.
But Martha, thats not how I feel…
Hence why I want to stress the word SUBCONSCIOUSLY. Over time, if you keep doing something even if in the short term nothing changes or emotions are stable; its like leaving your front door open every time you leave. Okay, so the first few times nothing happens. No one takes advantage and everything is fine. So now this is habitual behaviour, why? Because you saw that the first few times no one robbed you so you carried on, not because you were waiting for the outcome of someone trespassing, but because you thought you were safe to carry on. One day, as normal, you leave the door open. A vulnerable home left. A passage to let someone in freely. But this time, someone comes in and takes everything. Not only that, they lock the door when they leave so you can’t even get back in your own home.
Saying sorry is like leaving your front door open. It allows someone to prove you’re wrong. But guess what, the person who robbed your house was Y O U (plot twist*). As soon as the words have been spoken, that door is left unlocked. You’ve taken your own pride and personal possessions which is a humble you. Why? Merely because you said the word ‘sorry’ (when you didn’t need to!!).
See why this word is actually quite harmful when not used correctly. Sorry is leaving the door open for people to see fault in your choices, even simple one, even ones that have NO NEED TO SAY SORRY FOR! Of course, when you have actual;;y done something that warrants am apology then please, sorry is needed.
I have to stop apolagising for things that are not even my fault. I don’t need to take ownership for mistakes that aren’t mind or even just for things that just, happen. Sorry brings the weight of being lower than others. I’ve brought myself that low because I just wasn’t happy being on a even playing field.
I hope this reminds you that being sorry for things that aren’t yours to feel guilty or remorseful about is quite impactful one you. It can also make others feel bad on them, because you have taken a burden that they made you do without that being their intension.
Sorry is harmful (when not used correctly). Also it can be very annoying!
DON’T BE SORRY FOR BEING YOURSELF.
That’s one from my mind. x