A love letter.

Listen with me..

 A shipthat will never sail away.

I can’t believe, after knowing you for only months. If only I could have predicted what you were about to bring into my life.

 I saw you walk in the room. I noticed the light you brought into the sharp room. Your eyes showed kindness yet hold so much energy and passion. You are the person that brought me into a person I didn’t think I would be. I became Martha. A girl I love, a girl that is now a women. You brought me wisdom and uncovered the idea that the world is somewhere to explore. That I needed to see. 

I laughed so much. You bring me laughter without fail. I cant stop sometimes, the pain of the tears that flow from my eyes are almost moments that feel like I never want to not be laughing. You make me think. I really develop and magnify how the world is seen. Beyond opinions of gossip magazines or twitter stories. You are fascinating. I listen with my fullest attention and feel that I am growing in front of you. I feel grown. I feel woke. Thank you. Because I think, without that, I wouldn’t understand anything outside of me. I needed that. 

You make the vulnerabilities of mine, become the thing that is the best quality I own. I even hear aspects that you feel uncomfortable about. But we become closer. I, you, we love that for each other. I really didn’t think our love would grow beyond a friendship of 6 weeks. I couldn’t help but think about you. Honestly, my head constantly turning over thoughts, scenarios, imaginations of you. Any situation, you came into the corners of my head.  I felt empty with those thoughts, because they quickly dissolved into my mind. The memory of a time was only a memory and that reality hurt that it wasn’t happening. I couldn’t not have you. Your energy was addictive, and the memories I craved to be a living present. 

Thank god for technology. Long distance means it doesn’t feel so long before our ship sailed overseas and I came to have a new venture. I thank you again. I could never have done that. Flew across countries, on my own. A worry, a Martha trait I thought would follow me for a lifetime, yet now it’s something I encourage myself to do more.  I explored a new city. I explore the Martha I have nurtured and now love because you brought her into the forefront. You take me back to a place of unconditional love. Expressed through the love that is shown I didn’t think someone would have for me. Priceless. 

After that, I couldn’t hold it underneath my skin. I knew it since you left, yet now, every time I saw your name, heard a song that sounded like it was sung from you to me, a silly inside joke that made me burst out laughing in the middle of the street. I couldn’t stop thinking about you. I wanted you. Only you. Everything about you, you could do no wrong. You really were perfection in the form of a person I desired to be with. I felt this ship was between two icebergs and to navigate it between the idea of telling you how I feel, or the worry of losing the friendship we have built and was too faultless to mess up. I bottled the idealistic image and thrown it away into the sea. Let the dream drift with the tides of what would never be, so I could move on and flow without drowning in upset or disappointment. I guess I could live knowing I had a best friend rather than losing a dream that may have never been. So I felt I had chosen with my head. 

You give me excitement when I felt I had ran my course, off course. You’d done it again, gave me the opportunity that for many wouldn’t do. The confidence you give me to travel and create excitement that is both new and scary is something I will be forever grateful for. Another jet set, but I knew that know, the pain of not experiencing what I was longing  to have. Telling you how I felt, I can’t describe the happiness and liberation that for months, it was always you that still brought me the exhilaration of when we first met and even more so. 

I lay next to you. I felt the goose bumps. I wanted your skin, your heat, your tiny hairs of your leg and arms tingling my skin. But yet, we weren’t yet there. I started to listen to my body and heart. I had to kiss you. I wrapped my legs around yours. Rested my head of your chest to feel the warmth of your heart and body. That feeling of being so close felt like we should have always been like that. Maybe because our minds have been so deep together, our bodies hadn’t yet caught up till now. 

I gazed into your deep blue eyes. The deepest of blue that the waters that washed away the doubt of only platonic relationship would have only been in question. But you pulled me in with the tides of the feelings that were always there. I leaned in, slowly. My heart beated like vaults giving my heart shocks. Kissing you took over all senses and it was overwhelmingly amazing. I was left feeling like my world of what I desire for months and months. Dreamt about. You gave me love emotionally, and now to feel your love physically. I finally felt like one again. Clinging to me around with your lips hugging mind and not letting go like it should never end. I didn’t want it to end. I didn’t want to think that this could be the last time I would feel you like this. The forbidden fruit that I could finally bite felt like the sweetest taste on my buds. Love from you was both intense but also soft and caring. Your colourful and cultured  life broke down my walls with your body and touch. Treating me like the fragile person I am. Because you’ve made me vulnerable, I caved in for you. 

I smile right now thinking about you. I never thought you would feel the same as me. So this must be a dream. And maybe, you are a dream to me. Maybe you live in a happy place of mine where it won’t be a reality I can live. Our relationship is the most strong and stable ship that has captained my heart in every direction on a big compass that is life. So when I said goodbye, I gave you the biggest hug that I never wanted to let go and I held on the tightest I could. Because as I soon as I let go, I know we are sailing away, but not together. that separation is the drift of our boats. 

It’s a hard pill to swallow. And the reality really aches that we won’t be together. We will meet again and again. I hope we remain connected via our choppy waters of our lives. If I’m being really honest in this present. You’ve changed, I’ve changed, but it’s the energy of you I want. Maybe not the body or name of yours now. Energy and soul has become like a gin that I gasp for every once and a while. But I need water. I need just simplicity, you cannot provide that for me. I deserve that. 

   I hope we can come together, to travel together. Live abroad, feeling endless love of every sense of the word. To never feel worthless, judged or even less than. You never make me feel like that. And I never want to feel like that again. 

You are the real love that everyone hopes to find. But not from you anymore. I’m sorry.

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It’s not until months later. You were just a foreground image. You were just a prop. A prop that helped me heal a Martha scar of my own insecurities. When you left, it felt like you had taken every last piece of you and didn’t look back to see what you left behind. But you did leave behind some important things. You left me. Thank you. I needed to be left alone, because the Martha you first met has grown so much. I am now fuller as a person. You are a part of me, but not in the way I thought you would be. We aren’t together but we are joined within our memories and within the person you now know. She is a striking confident and assured of much more to world then was there before. I’m free no longer locked and chained to your shackles. They weighed down for too long now. I have what I wanted, I have a relationship with you in the form a new Martha only unlocked from what you brought me. I’m free. 

Thank you.